Sunday, February 03, 2002
I just got home from my weekend away. Walked in the door about a half hour ago. Put away my clean laundry, straightened up my room a bit. Then took a shit. I now sit down here to rid myself of some thoughts. I spent the entire weekend in my house in Albany. I actually never stepped foot outside the house the whole weekend. It was really nice to just hang out and have no pressure to do anything. Played a lot of cards with my family. Drank a little bit. Watched a couple movies and caught up on my Sex and the City.
It was sad to leave today. Knowing that it is so close to the last time I will see my brother before his move to Germany. We didn't really talk about much this weekend. We actually just hung out and watched tv together. Stayed up real late both nights just being in eachother's presence. Sounds good, but I felt as though he wanted to talk about a lot of shit. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't ask him much about his fears of moving. Or the fact that we aren't going to be in the same country. I really don't know how to deal with this, so I just shove it all down and pretend like it isn't happening. I am the king of that. Yet it eats me alive inside when I know that I should just deal with it and confront it head on. But I am also afraid that if I do face it, I might fall into a sadness that I might not get out of for awhile.
Being someone who deals with erratic emotions and feelings of massive anxiety, I sometimes go into pure robot mode and deal with nothing. Seems to be the only way that I can survive any emotional curve ball. Deep down I am sad. Real sad. I possess major self-frustration. I expect too much from myself. I want to be the most perfect, healthy person ever born...but I find myself being completely the opposite almost every day. How do I say to my brother...you can't leave me. Just when we were starting to truly lean on eachother and be eachother's best friends...you have to up and leave. How do I cry on his shoulder when I know that he needs mine to cry on? Is it too selfish of me to run away when I feel like that is my best chance at surviving the shit that is threatening to tear me apart? I hate crying. I hate feeling low. More than this...I hate the feeling of numbness that I experience in the midst of shutting myself down. Does everyone go through this or is it just me?
I love you so much Winfield. I wish there was a way for me to be just a little bit stronger. So that I could call more, write more, hold you more. But I can't.
Especially when I know you are leaving me.
Winfield leaves a week from today. I am counting on the old "Out of sight, out of mind" theory to get me through the next month. I don't know how else to do it.
I feel so empty inside. What is wrong with me? Why am I sitting here in this great big city and spending all of my days cooped up in my house? Why have I not auditioned for anything since graduating college? I, by far, am someone who takes on too much. Who used to be so overly motivated that my biggest problem was finding a way to relax. Now, I do nothing but sit and stew. (And not the good stew with beef, carrots, and potatos) God, throw me a bone. Help me to feel confident and ready to start my career in the city. Give me the strength and the ENERGY to find a way to break into this entertainment world. Don't let me become that guy who let lack of motivation and fear keep him from ever going for his shot at fame and success. I want it. I taste it. I dream it. I believe in it. What is the last piece of the puzzle? Where do I find it?
Help me Jesus. Make me a better man and a more focused individual. I give you the glory, please give me the power. Hold my hand and get me on the right track. The days are going by and I need your help.
It was sad to leave today. Knowing that it is so close to the last time I will see my brother before his move to Germany. We didn't really talk about much this weekend. We actually just hung out and watched tv together. Stayed up real late both nights just being in eachother's presence. Sounds good, but I felt as though he wanted to talk about a lot of shit. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't ask him much about his fears of moving. Or the fact that we aren't going to be in the same country. I really don't know how to deal with this, so I just shove it all down and pretend like it isn't happening. I am the king of that. Yet it eats me alive inside when I know that I should just deal with it and confront it head on. But I am also afraid that if I do face it, I might fall into a sadness that I might not get out of for awhile.
Being someone who deals with erratic emotions and feelings of massive anxiety, I sometimes go into pure robot mode and deal with nothing. Seems to be the only way that I can survive any emotional curve ball. Deep down I am sad. Real sad. I possess major self-frustration. I expect too much from myself. I want to be the most perfect, healthy person ever born...but I find myself being completely the opposite almost every day. How do I say to my brother...you can't leave me. Just when we were starting to truly lean on eachother and be eachother's best friends...you have to up and leave. How do I cry on his shoulder when I know that he needs mine to cry on? Is it too selfish of me to run away when I feel like that is my best chance at surviving the shit that is threatening to tear me apart? I hate crying. I hate feeling low. More than this...I hate the feeling of numbness that I experience in the midst of shutting myself down. Does everyone go through this or is it just me?
I love you so much Winfield. I wish there was a way for me to be just a little bit stronger. So that I could call more, write more, hold you more. But I can't.
Especially when I know you are leaving me.
Winfield leaves a week from today. I am counting on the old "Out of sight, out of mind" theory to get me through the next month. I don't know how else to do it.
I feel so empty inside. What is wrong with me? Why am I sitting here in this great big city and spending all of my days cooped up in my house? Why have I not auditioned for anything since graduating college? I, by far, am someone who takes on too much. Who used to be so overly motivated that my biggest problem was finding a way to relax. Now, I do nothing but sit and stew. (And not the good stew with beef, carrots, and potatos) God, throw me a bone. Help me to feel confident and ready to start my career in the city. Give me the strength and the ENERGY to find a way to break into this entertainment world. Don't let me become that guy who let lack of motivation and fear keep him from ever going for his shot at fame and success. I want it. I taste it. I dream it. I believe in it. What is the last piece of the puzzle? Where do I find it?
Help me Jesus. Make me a better man and a more focused individual. I give you the glory, please give me the power. Hold my hand and get me on the right track. The days are going by and I need your help.
